It might not feel like love at first sight.

… and really, that is alright.

I remember speaking to a new mum who felt so sad that she didn’t feel love for her baby right away. She said that she had heard so many stories about people just falling in love immediately, just experiencing this huge bond the moment they held their baby for the first time.

She had watched videos on You Tube of births where the joy and love was powerful and all encompassing.

Then she had her first baby, and it didn’t hit. It wasn’t there.
She just felt tired.
Too pushed and too stretched and as though she had to perform for the health care team around her.
She said it felt false, but she played along anyway. While secretly wanting everyone to just leave her alone. Including her new baby.

She felt ‘not normal’.

Well, I am here to tell you that this is normal. Quite normal for many, many mums.
Some loves need time and space.
They need to develop and grow.

Some mums just need to be left alone with their babies so that they can meet slowly and properly.

Of course this speaks volumes about the vast majority of hospital births. Women highly medicated with synthetic oxytocin will have their own ability to create oxytocin blocked.
But this doesn’t last forever.
The meeting will just be slower. The growing love take a little time.

For my own part I remember almost having to force myself to feel normal kissing the heads of the twins. It didn’t mean that I didn’t love them with all my heart - it just felt weird, when I had been kissing their older sister for the previous 2.5 years.
It almost felt as though I were cheating on her.

So… don’t rush.
Don’t do this for anyone else. No one is judging you. Take your time. Get to know this small person while caring for yourself. Nurturing yourself and healing.

And those first precious days at home should be spent just hanging out and feeding. Feeding both mum and baby. Warm and safe while this new love can develop and grow in its own time.